A Load of Mixed Humour
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Procrastination Rules By Jesse Myers
When something comes to your mind, think about writing it down to do it later,
then write it down later. Maybe.If several steps are involved in reaching a certain goal, make sure 2 weeks pass before you do anything,
then do each step at 1-week intervals.If there is something you SHOULD do but you don't really want to do it,
tell people you will do it later (with no intention of doing it, of course.)
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from
and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Signs you are Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Dumb Blonde Quickies
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
...she thought General Motors was in the Army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
...she studied for a blood test-and failed.
...when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
Dear IRS,
I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove me from your mailing list.
Strange But True
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Interesting Names
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
Common Sense Laws
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Law of Impossibility" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor, but you can hold on to the
grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.
Inside me is a thin person struggling to get out, but that person can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" He replied,
"No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
