One day a college professor was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron,
and if they were, they should stand.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron.
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the
baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said,
"Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,
"I think Mommy ate it!"
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man.
"How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first man says,
"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second man says,
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last man replies,
"I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
During a sharing time in the early part of a service, a visitor admitted a shortcoming.
"I'm a spendthrift. I just cannot keep any money in my pocket.
I give it away as if it grew on trees. Please pray for me."
"We certainly will," said the pastor, "right after we take up the offering."
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus.
He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
His legs are bare and he's without shoes.
His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat,
directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man:
"What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
"Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore,
and made love with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my son."
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the Rail Road tracks one day, he hears this whistle
-- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an
unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes to the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park,
until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"and I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head."
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them.
She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.
Three men were flying in a plane.
One dropped out an apple the other dropped an orange and the other dropped a grenade.
After landing they were walking down the street and saw a kid crying.
They asked him why he was crying and he said "an apple hit me in the head".
Then they saw another kid crying he said "an orange hit me in the head".
Then they saw a kid laughing his head off and they asked him what was so funny he said
"I farted and my house blew up!"
A father and baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad
"Dad, am I part panda bear?"
"No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no.
A short time later the baby bear asked again,
"Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?"
The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear.
Why on earth do you keep asking for?!"
"Because," the baby bear said, "I'm Bloody Freezing!".
One day there were three ants, and they set out for their own separate journeys in a house.
One ant went to the oven, the second went to the freezer, and the third went to the toilet.
Later they met again, and discussed their journeys:
The first ant said "My journey was hot!"
The second ant said "My journey was cold!"
The third ant said "My journey was cool... until I almost drowned.
But then a stroke of luck hit,
from out of nowhere came this big brown log..."
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes.
"I found them in the hallway."
"Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door,
strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" called one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.
"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said:
"Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers."
"You`re right" she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."