Things not to Say to Cops

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas).

Are you Andy or Barney?

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me. Good job!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

"Bad Cop! No Doughnut!"

Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow.

I pay your salary!

Gee, Officer that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

When the officers say "Gee son... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with. "Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of time they are.

What exactly is "legally drunk"?

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

Care for a doughnut?

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, what's a good bribe go for around here?

I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.

Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?

If I were you I'd let me go!

I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now!

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Can you hand me your gun?

You should give the ticket to my unreliable cruise control.

If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of money from the bank robbery, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Met your quota? Happy now?

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.